Be Your Own Life Coach
Ever find yourself wondering why you’re not as happy as you thought you’d be by now? Don’t worry says Nina Grunfeld, founder of Life Clubs, you just need an introduction to the real you…
Have you ever had the sneaking suspicion that life isn’t working out quite the way you thought it would and that you’re missing the tools you need to somehow ‘tweak’ it back on track? A few of us are lucky enough to have our own coach, a professional who helps us recognise and unleash our potential through self-examination and informed decision-making. The vast majority of us don’t, however, and if you happen to fall into this second group – and feel potential starved – this article’s for you. Even reading it is a turning point. Just by considering what’s on the page, you’re starting to coach yourself: learning what makes you tick is the most important feature of self-development.
FIND OUT WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL
The LIFE Model is a sequence of questions that you can ask yourself in order to bring our your true feelings. You can apply the LIFE model to your life as a whole or, more specifically, to independent, low *scoring sections of your Balance Chart.
L IS FOR LIVING ie, your current circumstances. Before you can solve a problem, you need to define as honestly as you can exactly what your situation is. Often by just describing it clearly, the way forward becomes obvious and straightforward. These are some examples of living questions:
What is the problem I want to solve?
What other factors are relevant?
What would I do to improve my situation if I knew I couldn’t fail?
I IS FOR IDEAL ie, your ideal outcome. Ask:
What does my ideal situation look like?
Why do I want to achieve it?
Is it within my capabilities and budget?
F IS FOR FUEL ie, the options and resources you have at your disposal to help you achieve this. Ask:
What time / money / training / experience / advice do I need in order to reach my goal?
How can I create new opportunities in my life to bring my ideal closer?
What will happen to me if I do nothing?
E IS FOR ENERGY IE, converting the Fuel into an action plan. Questions you need to ask include:
How committed am I about chasing my ideal situation?
Where and when will I take my next step?
How will I feel when I’ve achieved it?
LISTEN TO YOUR BODY
Get curious about what your answers to the LIFE Model mean. Coaches listen out for everything – the things that aren’t articulated, as well as the things that are – and want to know the meaning of both. As your own coach, be aware of your body language as you answer the questions you put to yourself. Are you fired up or, alternatively, becoming quiet and withdrawn? Also notice the vocabulary you use to describe yourself, the things you love and the world around you. Be particularly wary of the word, ‘but’, as in, ’I’d really like to start running regularly, but…‘. It indicates that you’re not living the life you really want. Something, even if it’s your own self-sabotaging attitude, is preventing you from achieving your potential.
THINK LATERALLY
So… think about your passions in as creative a way as possible. Loving animals, for instance, doesn’t mean you should automatically retrain as a vet. For example, you could sign up for a wildlife photography course, do some voluntary work for the RSPCA or open a boarding kennel.
SEE YOURSELF LIVING THE DREAM
One way to empower yourself to achieving your goals is to visualize them happening in all their satisfying glory. The premise is that if you can see or express your goal, you can reach it. It’s based on the principle that your mind and your body are intimately connected. By describing your goal to yourself in minute detail, you are actually imagining your future and planning the route to get there. You are literally programming your subconscious to expect those good things you have just fantasised and acquiring a kind of ‘memory’ of a successful action; this conditions the subconscious mind to prepare for the improved, ‘expected’ outcome.
Visualising her ultimate, serene, happy state at one of my Life Clubs, Jackie, a successful 33-year-old landscape gardener, realised that what was missing from her life was the one thing she loved doing the most when she was a child: she remembered what a voracious reader she had once been and realised that, these days, she was so exhausted, she never had time to read at all. By the time we met up again one week later, Jackie had organised her friends into a book group and was herself more than half way through Brick Lane. She’d understood what her life was missing and decided she desperately needed to incorporate something cerebral into her very physical active routine.
DON’T HOLD YOURSELF BACK
As you become your own coach, begin noticing all the times you put yourself down and think negatively: eg, ’I’m no good at relationships’; ’I’m scared of change’; ’I’m too old to switch careers’. Coaches call these thoughts ‘limiting beliefs’ – and we all have them. They can destroy our self-confidence and stop us living our life to its full potential.
Think about where that limiting belief comes from, write down when you first began to believe it and ask yourself if it’s still really true. Then slowly start replacing your limiting beliefs one by one, with positive alternatives.
BE NICE TO YOURSELF
In our culture, we’re praised for putting others first. What is known as ‘selfish’ or self-centered’ behaviour is a ‘bad’ thing. The reality is, when you feel good about yourself, you feel strong and courageous – you have deeper resources to draw on and more to give others. Only by re-energising yourself, mentally and physically, will you have the energy to drive your goals forward and create a new, improved, higher-scoring Balance Chart.
SO…
Stop being so hard on yourself. Forgive yourself for anything that’s tormenting you from your past. Say inwardly, ‘OK. I made a mistake. What can I learn from that experience so that I don’t ever do that again?’
Before you go to sleep, think about difficult situations you’ve handled well that day – meeting a deadline against the odds, defusing a brewing argument with a relative – and praise yourself. What qualities did you need to accomplish that deed and how could you apply those same qualities to other areas in your Balance Chart?
One weekend, devote a whole morning or afternoon to a favourite, battery-charging activity.
Care for your body. Eat nutritiously, grab some regular exercise and go to bed early. It’s a simple but effective way to manage stress.
*HOW TO CONQUER LIMITING BELIEFS
NOTICE THEM. They nearly always start with negative phrasing – ‘I can’t…’ or ’I’m really rubbish at…‘. Eg, I’m terrible at relationships.’
CONSCIOUSLY CONTRADICT THEM. For example: make a list of all the relationships you’re actually pretty good at, and then inwardly start repeating an affirmation along the lines of, ’I’ve been a very supportive wife/daughter/sister. I’m great at relationships!’ – and really start believing your own PR.
ACT as if you don’t have the original damaging belief anymore. Up to a point we’re all actors: fake it until it feels natural.
USE POSITIVE VISUALISATION. If you want to become financially solvent, for example, imagine in detail the positive, productive conversation you’re going to have with your boss when you ask for a payrise. Consolidate the vision by repeating inwardly to yourself, ’I’m a smooth negotiator and can attract all the money I want.’
MODEL your behaviour on someone you admire or would be pleased to be like.
BE AROUND happy, positive people as well as those who inspire you.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE PAIN. Become aware of the cost of not changing your behaviour or improving your life.
BEHAVE as if your new future has already happened. (Think self-fulfilling prophecy…)
FIND A HERO
1. Make a list of five people you respect and admire. It can include family members, friends, colleagues, historical heroes, world leaders and fictional characters.
2. Write down the qualities that each of these heroes possesses.
3. Underline the qualities that appear more than once in your list. This means that these qualities are very important to you at the moment. See if you can recognise them within yourself already.
4. Faced with a difficult or awkward situation, imagine how the person you most admire would handle it, and try to copy their imagined behaviour. With practice, you’ll do this naturally.