When It's Time To Put Yourself First

You gave your twenties to your career and your thirties to your family. Now it’s your turn. Life coach, and founder of Life Clubs, Nina Grunfeld explains how giving back can start with you

The other week, I was holding a workshop. It was a really long, gruelling day and by the end I was exhausted. As the participants got ready to leave, I noticed it had started raining heavily. My immediate reaction was, “I must give them all a lift to the train station,” even though it was miles away and I’d have had to make more than one trip. Then I gave myself a lecture: “Actually, Nina, you’re very tired and in a little while you need to go home and give some attention to your family. Just take a rest.”

The solution was simple – they took a taxi, I didn’t drive to the station and I admit that I’m glad I didn’t. I got a necessary break and my kids got a mother with a bit of energy left for them.

It may come as a shock but selfishness is NOT a dirty word. In fact, it’s essential. So many of us are brought up to think that putting ourselves first is wrong. Becoming parents just reinforces the notion that everyone else’s needs are more important than your own. But what happens to a plant if you don’t look after it? It dies. The same thing happens to you if you don’t nurture yourself – sooner or later you’ll lose sight of your sense of identity, which is disastrous for you and the people you love.

Somewhere we’ve adopted the idea that we all have a finite amount of energy and love and if we use it up on ourselves, we’ll have none left for anyone else. It’s actually the opposite – the more attention you give yourself, the better equipped you’ll be to give attention to other people – and the more you’ll feel like it.

It’s great to retrain our mindsets into more of a “me mentality”, but breaking the habits of a lifetime can be harder than you think. Here’s how to finally start looking after number one after all those years of looking after numbers two, three, four etc…

1. Spend an hour a day doing what you want

Sounds easy doesn’t it? But sometimes even just recognising what you want can involve a degree of reconditioning. It might be staying in bed an extra hour, eating popcorn instead of lunch or going to a sauna just because you feel like it. As a rule, if you can hear your mother’s voice in your ear saying, “Surely you don’t intend to do X at this time of day?” it’s probably something you really want to do. But if that degree of selfishness takes too big a leap of faith, work up to it by listing three things you want to achieve every day – two of which could be worthy (like doing the supermarket shop, filling in your tax return) and the third entirely, deliciously self-centered. That way you can slot the selfish thing into your normal duties so that you make time for it, instead of feeling guilty that you probably should be doing something else.

2. Rewrite you “self CV”

Write a list of achievements. These could either be things you’ve accomplished up until now or in the last week or even things you achieve from this point on. It doesn’t matter how major they are – it could be finishing a book or playing a game of tennis – just as long as they’re things you’ve done purely for yourself. So, sending a son off to university wouldn’t count, but throwing a great party would. It takes confidence to be selfish and put your needs first – and writing a self CV is a great way of building up that self-assurance.

3. Release your inner child

Find photos of yourself as a child and put them up somewhere obvious. Not only will that remind you of all the aspirations you had when you were younger, it will also urge you to be kinder to yourself. If you start treating your adult self as well as you’d rear that child, you’ll be on the way to achieving healthy selfishness.

4. Set your goals

If you achieve what you want, you’re going to be a much more fulfilled person and more rewarding to be around. Make sense, doesn’t it? Sure, sometimes dreams are unattainable (marrying Danial Craig, ending world poverty and so on), but if you work out what was important about that particular desire, you might be able to get the same satisfaction from a different, more achievable goal. So, for example, I always wanted to build my own house. Why? Because the idea of creating something from nothing and being in sole charge seemed like absolute bliss. Well, I never built a house, but what I did do was start up my own business. I’ve replaced one vision with another and it’s giving me what I craved. Think about your wildest, most ambitious dream, then ask yourself what it is about that fantasy that appeals to you. Now try to work out a realistic way of getting it in your life.

5. Sack the friends who bring you down

Ouch, that sounds harsh. After all, aren’t we always taught to stick by our friends no matter what, through thick and thin and all that? Well, the truth is that some friends are natural born takers – they take your time, your energy and, worst of all, your dreams. So many people come to me who have had their ambitions shot down by their so-called friends. You don’t need influences like that in your life. Being selfish is about surrounding yourself with those who are on your side – and getting shot of any who aren’t.

6. Spell out what you really want

Many of us are too scared to say what it is we want in case it makes us look arrogant or greedy. But if you don’t say what you want, how on earth are you going to get it? That’s where a whole load of problems can start. You’re husband isn’t cooking dinner three times a week, which would free you up for that pilates class you really want to join. Therefore he isn’t supportive to your needs, right? Wrong. He might be completely willing to support you, if you told him what your needs were. Healthy selfishness is about communicating your wants and giving the people who care about you the chance to fulfil them, which in turn makes them feel good. It’s a win-win situation!

7. Stop the self put-downs

“I’m too fat to wear one of those,” or “No way could I ever have the confidence to do that”. It’s so easy to fall into the self-deprecation habit and it’s so destructive. How can you give yourself permission to be selfish if you’re telling yourself you’re unworthy? And that’s precisely why you do it. Every time you put yourself off having to think about what you want and how to get it.

Next time you say something negative about yourself, stop and think why. If you say, “I’m not confident,” what is that statement stopping you from doing? Having wild sex? Putting up flatpack furniture? Joining a running club? Once you stop the self put-downs, you’ll start realising you are good enough to get what you want – and that’s when you can start making your dreams come true.