Under The Thumb?

Has your missus got you right where she wants you? Tick the boxes and find out

FRIENDS AND FAMILY

a) You haven’t been on holiday without her in the last two years


b) You lost a friendship because she hated your mate


c) You’ve moved house to be closer to her mother


d) You go out with her idiot brother to get in with her parents


e) You know the names of all three of your future children

So her family is a nightmare – but family isn’t the best place to start your disagreements. “Do a tit-for-tat – let her gossip on the phone once in a while and she’ll put up with your odd drunken evening out,” says Nina Grunfeld, founder of Life Clubs.

DOMESTIC BLISS

a) If you leave the house in the morning without making the bed you feel guilty all day


b) She has bought you more than three of these items: a) socks b) toothbrush c) underwear d) haemorrhoid cream e) an OC DVD box-set


c) She has thrown away your stuff without asking/telling you


d) You do her DIY to avoid a two-day guilt trip, rather than out of a manly instinct to saw things up


e) You always drive. Always

Why not try switching the radio from XFM to a bit of organ music – research at Adelaide University found that ‘Air’ from Handel’s ‘Water Music’ significantly reduced feelings of domestic stress. “There’s no way she’s going to stop you leaving the lid off the toothpaste tube no matter how much she nags you and the sooner she realises it the better for both of you,” says Grunfeld.

TIME OFF

a) You’ve watches two or more of these films: Dirty Dancing; Bridget Jones’ Diary; Sleepless in Seattle; Failure to Launch


b) You’ve rearranged a work appointment to take time off when she has a cold


c) She no longer even makes the pretence of reaching for her credit card at the end of a meal


d) You clear your phone memory of photos of nights out even though you’ve nothing to hide


e) You’ve been to a James Blunt concert and not walked out in a blind rage

Don’t let all of her interests become yours. “Swap films – ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ for ‘Terminator’ and concerts – James Blunt for Plan B, or buy her two tickets so she can go with a friend,” says Grunfeld.

MANNERS

a) You make liberal use of your internet search engine’s “delete history” facility


b) You wait till she’s asleep before picking your nose/farting/going for a sly wank


c) You pay for her to have her hair done. How did that happen?


d) You speak in a ridiculous baby language which if your mates ever overheard, you’d die


e) You know the difference between a French and American manicure

There’s a reason she liked you in the first place – and it’s not that you acted like her poodle and did whatever she said. “It’s great to be interested in the things she likes but it’ll feel much better when she talks in your language too,” says Grunfeld. “Give yourself a daily quote of at least five sentences beginning with "I”. That’s ’I’d like…’ rather than ’I’ll do’".

SEX LIFE

a) You know what brand of tampons she uses


b) You’ve considered a vasectomy because the pill makes her grouchy


c) Porn has disappeared from its hiding place, and you can’t complain without admitting you had it in the first place


d) You tut at pictures of Paris Hilton and pronounce her “too thin” for your tastes


e) You deliberately bury your instinctive feelings of terror and revulsion when holding babies

“Maybe she’s uptight because you’re not turning each other on,” suggests Grunfeld. “Ask what she likes or experiment until you get there.” Finding a sexual balance is a key part of a successful relationship.

HOW DID YOU DO?

Less than 5 ticks:


THE THUMB SUCKS


The playstation is on, and the pizza boxes are piling up. But beware. If it’s all take, take, take on your side, then she’ll be take, take, taking the first opportunity to jump ship.

6-10:


THUMBS UP


Your mates might scoff when you duck out of the odd footie match to have dinner with your lady’s folks. Let them scoff. You’ve got things under control. Maybe she’s worth cherishing – so long as she does the same to you.

11-20:


THUMB WARS


You fought the thumb, and the thumb won. Make a list of things you are unwilling to give in on. Unleash your inner Rab C Nesbitt once in a while.

21-25:


RULE OF THUMB

You’re so under the thumb, you’re going to be there until you fossilise. Say; “I know you’ve been busy, but I want to know our relationship is important to you. I want you to make time for me and for us.”